Tales of Hoffman

Miss Hoffman
Originally uploaded by Jiffy Cat

This blog will be the first in a new series of blogs that will attempt to gross out and disgust the lady pictured here. She would be Miss Hoffman my 12 th grade English teacher. Her basic thesis was that my writing was horrible and worthless. I was not to introduce comedic elements into my papers for her course. I often got points off
for this in addition to the well deserved demerits on spelling and grammar. Anyway the series will feature the most disgusting stories I can tell with a heavy accent on the hilarious. This first installment of "Tales of Hoffman" is not for the faint of heart so if you are squeamish about excrement read no further.

"Bad Shoe Day"

Years ago for a different job I had to report to work for a 6am. shift. It was pretty quiet on the streets at that hour,just few pigeons and a few rays of sun in the summer.The hospital where I worked was very close to a state mental hospital. Occasionally I would see some of the patients walking around who were deemed of sound mind to be doing so. One man in particular was quite distinguishable. He could be seen parading around in a johnny and pajamas with a large catheter bag containing varying amounts of golden pee inside of it, depending on the time of day. For these traits he became know as "Catheter Bag Man." One day I was walking to work and there off in the distance was "Catheter Bag Man" doing a rather strange dance. He was flailing his arms wildly while he jogged up and down in place. The jogging and flailing built to a fever pitch when all of the sudden he dropped his pajama pants all the way to the ground and crapped on the sidewalk a mere 10 feet from me.After he was done he immediately hoisted his pants back up quickly like nothing had happened. It was like watching a film. A moment that seemed unreal or surreal. Anyway I reported to work and told anyone I could find about the horror show I had just witnessed.Later that day several colleagues and I went out to lunch. I took them past the scene of the crime towards the Longwood Galleria. As I went by I pointed out the spot where "CBM" had done his business. Trailing down the sidewalk were a series of crap stained foot prints. "Somebody walked through it," shouted one of my friends. "Why yes that seems to be the case," I responded. "It's bad enough when you walk through dog shit and ruin your shoes," I said. "Those shoes would be salvageable but walking through "CBM's" crap, I don't know, I think those should be burned."
My friend said,"I wonder if that person knew it was human crap?" I responded, what they don't know won't hurt them. On second thought maybe it will.

Well there you have it Miss. Hoffman. I know what you're thinking.
POINTS OFF!